Satire Central

New location

2006-05-28T07:43:00.000-04:00

This blog is currently in the process of moving to its new home, The Week in Rearview:

http://www.weekinrearview.com

Thanks!

Norman Rockwell, The Dark Side

2006-04-17T05:38:00.000-04:00

STOCKBRIDGE, Mass. (CAP) - When Stockbridge resident Ida Montgomery heard last week that an original Norman Rockwell painting had been discovered in the wall of deceased illustrator Donald Trachte's former home, her first thought was "Donald who?"

Her second thought concerned the loose board in the wall of her outhouse.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=69200604011
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

"Baghdad Ballerinas" To Blame For SE Storms

2006-04-17T05:36:00.000-04:00

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CAP) - When Mike Huckabee's squadron of Humvees topped a small desert rise last week while on routine patrol, they couldn't believe what lay before them in the valley below: a handful of Iraqi insurgents, all on tippy-toes and spinning rapidly in the dying desert sun.

"After we killed 'em all and high-fived, we could see that they even had them little tutu dresses on too," said Huckabee. "We just figured they was practicing for the Baghdad Ballet, so we high-fived again. Me and the boys call that a two-fer."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=70200604012
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Wile E. Coyote Killed In Central Park

2006-04-04T08:20:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK (CAP) - Famed banal bird bagger of the surreal desert SouthWest Wile E. Coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) died last week in New York, according to his long-time agent Tim Springer.

"Everyone that knew Wile knows the past few years haven't been particularly kind to him," Springer said in a released statement. "He hasn't worked in years, and even when he was working, he wasn't eating that well. He just wanted to go to New York to try and change his life around."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=36200604003
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Sacre Bleu: Tinkerbell In Paris?

2006-04-04T08:18:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK (CAP) - We all know the official story: socialite Paris Hilton, tired of the size her tiny dog had become, shipped Tinkerbell off to her mother's to live happily ever after.

Not so fast, said Dr. Rupert Schaal, a physician attached to New York Hospital.

"I was on duty the night they brought Miss Hilton in," Dr. Schaal recently told CAP News. "Apparently she had gotten out of the tub and inadvertently sat on the dog, which promptly disappeared into her - can I say vagina? Anyhow, I examined her, but it's big and dark in there. I couldn't see hide nor hair of the thing.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=23200604006
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Researchers Warn Of Crocodile Flu

2006-04-04T08:15:00.000-04:00

ORLANDO, Fla. (CAP) - While the rest of the world battles the emergence of avian flu as the possible source of the next pandemic, the United States is coming to grips with another potential danger: crocodile flu.

"Diagnosing this illness is one of our biggest problems," Dr. Stephen Bright said at the annual American Croctologist Convention held at the Exit 13 Sheraton in Orlando, Florida. He tapped his peg leg with one of his hook hands for emphasis. "Who here has had difficulties taking the anal temperature of a crocodile to verify infection?"

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=67200603031
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Rice: "Errors" Now "Eeyores"

2006-04-03T08:08:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Days after Condoleeza Rice admitted that the administration had made thousands of errors in the Iraq war - and then tried to claim that she had been speaking figuratively - the White House is taking a new tact to try and diffuse the situation.

"I meant 'Eeyores', not 'errors'," Rice told CAP News in a recent phone interview. "And by that I mean that there are a lot of brooding gusses out there who refuse to see anything positive about the war. We, on the other hand, remain upbeat. We are Tiggers - Boing! Boing! Boing!"

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=11200604004
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Ungrateful Rescuees To Be Fined

2006-03-31T09:21:00.000-05:00

LONDON (CAP) - News that recently freed British hostage Norman Kember took too long to thank his rescuers has not been sitting well with British and American military officials. And now they're planning to do something about it.

"Do we want to charge these folks if they don't thank the soldiers? Of course not. Will we charge them? You betcha," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said at his weekly Pentagon self-interrogation.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=45200603034
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Anti-Immigration Rally Targets Canadians

2006-03-27T07:39:00.000-05:00

WARD'S CROSSING, NY (CAP) - While pro-immigration rallies in Georgia, Los Angeles and Arizona have garnered most of the headlines the past few days, that didn't stop Larry Elmore and his third cousin Billy Farr from staging their own anti-immigration rally in the bucolic upstate New York hamlet of Ward's Crossing.

"I ain't got nothing against the Mexicans, ya know?" said Elmore as he waved a 'Build A Fence, Eh?' sign. "I enjoy a few tequila sunrises with the boys down at the plant every Friday night. It's them damn Canadians."

Caption: An effigy of Anne Murray smolders on the US/Canadian border.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=53200603029
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Bush Pushes Operation Drunk Indian

2006-03-23T10:31:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Stating that "Iraq is more goodly than ever" and vowing to make the Iraqi people realize that, President Bush on Wednesday launched a new initiative to help shore up his foreign policy efforts.

"I feel the anxietations sweltering up from the Iraqi peoples, and I understand their frustration," Bush said during a televised Oval Office statement. "Operation Drunk Indian was specially designed by my, uh, secret people to help alleviate the pain that can be created by this necessary situation."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=11200603028
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Who Will Be The Next Chef?

2006-03-23T10:24:00.000-05:00

SOUTH PARK, Colo. (CAP) - When Isaac Hayes announced he was quitting his South Park Chef role due to what he felt was the show's religious intolerance towards Scientology, show co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone were left scrambling for a replacement. While Parker and Stone are being mum on the possibilities, our CAP News South Park mole has provided a list of those who are under serious consideration.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=20200603019
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Bush Posse Pummels Mad Cow Rumor

2006-03-23T10:21:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Still smarting from the Katrina debacle, Bush administration officials have been fanning out over the past few days to offer assurance to Americans concerned about the possible find of mad cow disease in the United States. CAP News has pulled together some of their statements regarding this issue:

"Mad what?" - President Bush, Sunday as he arrived at church.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=34200603018
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Frist On Campaign: "It's Alive!"

2006-03-14T09:27:00.000-05:00

Memphis, TN (CAP) - This past weekend, Senate majority leader Bill Frist won a presidential straw poll at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference with 36.9% of the vote. On Monday, he sat down with reporters to show a videotape of the conference and proclaim himself the front-runner.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=63200603017
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Rice Riffs Way Into Rehab

2006-03-13T07:47:00.000-05:00

VALPARAISO, Chile (CAP) - Political insiders have told CAP News that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has checked into a Corpus Christi drug rehab clinic for treatment of a cocaine abuse problem.

Rice's troubles began on Saturday, when Bolivian coca grower-turned-President Evo Morales presented the Secretary of State with a small, traditional stringed instrument called a charango. The instrument was covered with bright green coca leaves, a mild jab at Washington and their policies concerning Bolivia.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=37200603015
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

O'Reilly Takes On St. Patrick's Day

2006-03-13T07:45:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (CAP) - Fresh off his crusade to keep "Merry Christmas" the official December salutation of America, right-wing talk show host Bill O'Reilly is setting his sights on another holiday target: St. Patrick's Day.

"Bill is very serious about this," an O'Reilly spokeswoman told CAP News. "He stood up for Christmas as a Christian, and he's standing up for St. Patrick's Day as a man of Irish descent. He's genetically credentialed."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=20200603009
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Gore Demands Partial Oscar Recount

2006-03-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Citing concerns with the way that the gritty "Crash" beat out favored gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain", Al Gore has called for a partial recount of Oscar ballots.

"While we respect the integrity of The Association of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, we find it difficult to believe that 'Brokeback' lost," Gore said at a news conference. The film's director, Ang Lee, shared the podium with Gore. "We are calling for a recount of all ballots submitted by gay actors."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=17200603008
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Rove Admits To Stalking Hillary

2006-03-03T09:06:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Reacting to Hillary Clinton's comment on Monday that Karl Rove "spends a lot of time obsessing about me," a Rove spokesman on Tuesday admitted it.

"Karl does indeed have a boner for the senator," said spokesman Jamie Sinclair. "He can't explain it. He's always liked his women a bit on the skanky side, but he's at a loss to describe this obsession beyond that."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=58200603003
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Bush To Indians: "Howdy, Kimosabes."

2006-03-02T05:52:00.000-05:00

NEW DELHI, India (CAP) - White House officials were scrambling today to minimize the damage after President Bush and his entourage showed up in New Delhi wearing traditional Native American tribal costumes.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=27200603005
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Mayberry RIP

2006-03-02T05:49:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Fans mourning the loss of two iconic television actors will be heartened to learn that a previously "lost" television episode featuring the two has been discovered.

"Kolchak: The Nightstalker - Mayberry RIP", featuring Don Knotts and Darren McGavin, was shot in 1974 but never made it on-air. A copy of the episode was recently discovered among the effects of McGavin, who died of natural causes on February 25th.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=20200603002
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Al Qaeda: "We won Powerball! Praise Allah!"

2006-02-22T09:19:00.000-05:00

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST (CAP) - FBI analysts have confirmed that the latest Osama bin Laden tape, in which he claims to have won the recent record Powerball jackpot, is authentic.

"We cannot go on record as to the authenticity of his claim, but it does appear to be the rat bastard," said an FBI source.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=59200602030
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Profile Of An Olympic Failure

2006-02-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

In this special report, CAP News takes a look at one Olympic hopeful who came so close yet truly so far from ever making the U.S. team.

BUFFALO, Ny. (CAP) - For Frank Bradley, it's always been about the brush.

"He was brushing his teeth by three months, his hair by four. By the time he was one-year-old, he had found the broom, and I just up and sold the Hoover," said Frank's mother, Angela Bradley.

Frank's love of brushes brought him to the ideal occupation - junior-middle school janitor - and the ideal hobby: curling.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=12200602027
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

NBC Pulls Out Of Olympics

2006-02-16T07:41:00.000-05:00

TURIN, Italy (CAP) - Saying they had completely run out of human-interest material and that the games themselves "bore us," NBC has announced that the network is pulling out of the Olympics.

"We've done pieces on Bode Miller's third-grade sweetheart, how Emily Hughes sleeps with her skates, and how Chad Hedrick's dog Boogers knows how to clap his paws when Chad competes. What more is there?" said Derek Smith, head of Olympic Programming for NBC.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=55200602026
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Steve Fossett To Seek Child Endangerment Record

2006-02-16T07:39:00.000-05:00

ATLANTA (CAP) - The latest trend in the circles of the rich and famous - child endangerment - has some well-known highlights. There was Michael Jackson dangling his child over his hotel balcony; Courtney Cox and David Arquette naming their child Coco, assuring the girl several years of devastating psychological torture; Britney Spears being photographed recently driving with her child on her lap.

In terms of child endangerment, who can top these? Enter millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=09200602024
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

VP Accidentally Shoots Republican

2006-02-14T08:12:00.000-05:00

SOUTH TEXAS (CAP) - Vice President Dick Cheney on Saturday accidentally shot one of his Republican hunting companions, 78-year-old Harry Whittington, during their annual "Dirty Hippy Hunt" at a ranch just southwest of Corpus Christi.
-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=46200602022
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

NASCAR To Toss Tracks For "Dragster Wheels"

2006-02-13T10:36:00.000-05:00

DAYTONA, Fla. (CAP) - Citing safety concerns, NASCAR officials have announced that they will be dropping their "endlessly go around in a circle on a track" model for an "endlessly go around in a circle in a hamster wheel" one.

Caption: Technicians work to assemble a "Dragster Wheel" at a recent demonstration in Nevada.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=57200602020
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Biblical Book Pusher Pulls Burning Bibles

2006-02-13T10:32:00.000-05:00

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (CAP) - In the wake of the 10th Alabama church fire, the Godswad Bible Company has announced that they are recalling some 14,000 of their signature "Read This Or Burn In Hell" specialty bibles.

"One of our shipping clerks first noticed that we supplied bibles to all the burnt churches," said Godswad president Octavian Smith. "After researching the matter further, we can confirm that they do spontaneously burst into flames on occasion."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=13200602019
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Mastercard Revokes Bush Personal Credit Card

2006-02-09T09:10:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (CAP) - Citing "grave concerns over the fiscal prudence of the cardholder," officials at MasterCard have announced that they are revoking President Bush's credit card.

"It's not a decision we ever like to make, particularly with someone this high profile," said a MasterCard spokesman. "But looking at the way this man has handled money over the past few years, we owe it to our shareholders to make a pre-emptive strike.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=56200602016
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Shooting The Lube

2006-02-07T08:04:00.000-05:00

BALTIMORE (CAP) - In his State of the Union address, President Bush introduced many Americans for the first time to a problem deeply affecting many of their fellow citizens: oil addiction. In this CAP exclusive, we hit the streets of Baltimore to examine this growing epidemic.

It doesn’t take long to find an oil junkie. 'Bernie' was a successful ad executive back in the days when oil was cheap and plentiful. His drug of choice? 10W-40, which he says, "has a richer bouquet oozing out of the needle."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=12200602004
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Santorum Big Gay Award Winner

2006-02-07T08:01:00.000-05:00

SAN FRANCISCO (CAP) - Nationally know gay lifestyle magazine StudBunnies has awarded its highest honor - Pretty Boy of the Year - to an unlikely person: Republican Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania.

At a press conference held at the StudBunnies Ranch just outside of San Francisco, magazine co-founders Mo Lawrence and Lance Delgado explained their controversial choice.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=52200602010
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

DiCaprio Vies For Next Epic Shipwreck Flick

2006-02-07T07:59:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Out of tragedy, tickets.

Bubbles were still rising from the Friday wreck of the Egyptian ferry Boccaccio 98 when rumors started swirling that Mel Gibson was looking to lock down the rights to the tragedy. Gibson is reportedly seeking to film an operatic allegory of the Bible’s Exodus chapter, complete with ancient dialogue and more modern Titanic overtones.

The rumor was enough for Leonardo DiCaprio.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=21200602013
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

IBM To Sell A Letter?

2006-02-07T07:56:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (CAP) - IBM, one of the most recognizable acronyms in the world, announced today that it was looking into the possibility of selling one of its letters.

The official announcement did not specify which one might be on the block, but several companies were scrambling to take advantage of this development.

Abercrombie & Fitch was one of the first companies to make an offer. The upscale clothing store chain has long sought to get more ghetto in an effort to appeal to affluent white teens, and by purchasing the 'B', Abercrombie & Bitch might just meet its goals.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=03200602012
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Punxsutawney Phil Gitmo Bound

2006-02-03T07:42:00.000-05:00

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Penn. (CAP) - As he does every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his Pennsylvania burrow and sought his shadow. This year, he saw it, meaning six more weeks of winter.

Then he saw the multiple shadows of law enforcement personnel, meaning indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=11200602008
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Sheehan Arrested In Presidential Potty

2006-02-03T07:39:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was arrested early yesterday after trying to unfurl a very small banner in the bathroom of the White House living quarters.

She was detained briefly by the Secret Service before being turned over to the CIA for an all-expenses-paid trip to Saudi Arabia.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=34200602005
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Google, Chinese Style

2006-02-01T13:50:00.000-05:00

"I came to the conclusion that more information is better, even if it is not as full as we would like to see." -- Sergey Brin

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - Ripping a page from George Bush's "Naa Naa Naa Naa I Don't Hear You" information bubble playbook, Google co-founder Sergey Brin announced that his search engine would begin delivering censored results to China's 100 million Internet surfers.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=49200602002
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Oprah Sends Authors Pointed Message

2006-02-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

CHICAGO (CAP) - Having your book selected by Oprah Winfrey for inclusion in her book club used to be a writer’s dream come true. You received instant fame, got to sit on the couch with The O, sold more books in that week than JK Rowling. Last week’s dressing down of James Frey for fabrications in his book "A Million Little Pieces" took some of the luster off the experience for aspiring authors.

This week’s decapitation of Fred Johnson may just take the rest.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=20200601084
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Bush To Bartlett: "You’re Fired!"

2006-01-27T08:37:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Citing his powers as Commander in Chief, President Bush has cancelled the TV drama 'The West Wing' for "giving aid and comfort to the enemy."

"It's a misinterpretization of what we're trying to do here," Bush said at a recent press conference. "The terrorists think we're all about feelings now, and we're not. We're about kicking ass. 'The West Wing' did not kick enough ass."

Caption: Despite recent efforts to "kiss up," The West Wing has been cancelled.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=720060113
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Motley Crue Ascends To Hollywood Heaven

2006-01-26T19:06:00.000-05:00

Hollywood (CAP) -- Despite an engraving error that will make their spot on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame essentially a big hole in the sidewalk for the next couple of months, the members of Motley Crue have achieved the legitimacy they have so long craved. Joining such luminaries as John Wayne and Desi Arnaz, the Crue received their own star - well, the hole where it will go, anyway.

"This fucking rocks," said Crue founder Nikki Sixx. The other members of the band - Vince Neil, Mick Mars and Tommy Lee - all agreed: yes, it did fucking rock.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=620060115
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Amber Alert Issued For Dick Cheney

2006-01-25T07:05:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The federal government today took the unusual step of issuing an Amber Alert for one of its own: Vice President Dick Cheney. In a noon press conference, Secret Service spokesman Harvey Plunkett stressed that this was purely a precautionary measure.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=720060105
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Baptists To Wed In The Dark

2006-01-25T07:02:00.000-05:00

DOWN SOUTH (CAP) - Typographical errors are to blame for the Southern Baptist Convention's recent vote to outlaw "day marriages."

"The printer messed up, but everyone who voted knew what they were voting on," said SBC spokesman Cletus Jones. "No homo marriage: that's what they were voting on."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=120060101
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Canadians Catch Conservative Cold

2006-01-25T06:58:00.000-05:00

CALGARY (CAP) - Canadian health officials are downplaying the threat posed by an apparent outbreak of "Bush Flu" in their country. This comes in the wake of recent elections that saw Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper oust Liberal Party leader Paul Martin as Prime Minister.

"While there is some cause for concern, people should not automatically freak out," a Canadian health official told CAP news.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=220060107
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Homer: Exit, Stage Left?

2006-01-23T08:25:00.000-05:00

SPRINGFIELD (CAP) - Spokesmen for both camps confirmed that Mickey Mouse has been signed to appear in the next season of The Simpsons. What isn’t clear is what this will mean in terms of Homer Simpson’s place in the ensemble cast.

"You know, Mickey has been unhappy for years," said Hollywood insider Sy Mellish. "He goes from basically the top star of the Disney franchise to a bit player. It’s gotta hurt."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=620060113
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Foghorn Falls Afoul Of Fowl Flu

2006-01-23T08:22:00.000-05:00

ATLANTA (CAP) - The ominous specter of Avian Flu took another leap forward yesterday when officials at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) announced that celebrated cartoon actor Foghorn Leghorn had possibly come down with the disease. If true, it would be the first confirmed case of the disease leaping from actual chickens to celluloid chickens, a step that has virus specialists and film buffs alike very nervous.

Caption: Foghorn Leghorn tries to shake off a coughing fit while fellow actor Chicken Hawk sprinkles Tamiflu on him.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=520060107
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Judith Miller to Replace Baghdad Bob?

2006-01-23T08:19:00.000-05:00

Baghdad, Iraq (CAP) – Rumors have been swirling around the Washington reporter water cooler after Judith Miller was spotted in Iraq wearing the infamous “Baghdad Bob” spokesman attire. As you may remember, Baghdad Bob was actually Iraqi Information Minister Moham-med Saeed al-Sahaf, whose unintentionally humorous bits included denying that Americans had entered the capitol city while U.S. tanks rumbled through the street behind him. The job would seem to be a great fit for Miller, who recently retired from The New York Times after serving 85 days in jail for refusing to testify in the “Scooter” Libby/Plamegate case and has been criticized for aiding the fraudulent build-up to the Iraq war.

Sources close to Miller say she’s mulling over an official title, some possible examples of which include “Baghdad Judy” and “Miss Information Minister.”

-This article originally appeared on Crystal Air: http://www.crystalair.com
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Royal Cat Fight Coming To Colosseum

2006-01-23T08:14:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) -- Doing anything Saturday? Perhaps you’d like to watch a couple of middle-aged women - and well known ones at that - beat the hell out of each other?

Calling it the "First Lady Free-For-All" (Vegas bookies opted for the handle The Librarian vs. The Legislator), the World Wrestling Federation announced yesterday that Hillary Rodham Clinton and Laura Bush’s verbal spat would be escalating greatly Saturday when the two meet in a Steel Cage Challenge in the Dan Quayle Colosseum.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=720060111
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Texas To Execute 15 For Charity

2006-01-23T08:13:00.000-05:00

DALLAS (CAP) - Texas officials are reportedly mulling over plans to turn its energetic execution program into a lottery-type system that would benefit state charities, according to an anonymous Texas Corrections Department source. The lottery would only cover 15 executions, initially.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=120060104
Crystal Air... This ain't your Mother's fake news site.

Vanity Fair: Lohan Admits To Druggie Use

2006-01-22T10:41:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Teen actress Lindsay Lohan'a publicist is scrambling to minimize damage in the wake of a Vanity Fair magazine interview in which the actress admits to doing drug addicts.

"They're just always so edgy and malnourished," Lohan told Vanity Fair. "I like the way we can just sit for hours and stare at a wall. I like the way they call me 'ho'."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=620060111
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New Bond Girl A Guy?

2006-01-22T10:27:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - It’s one of those Hollywood secrets that seemed to slip off the radar screen of every celebrity scribe out there: in the latest drive to find a new Bond boy, David Hasselhoff was lobbying heavily for the role. In a two-month period, he wined and dined producers, sent fruit baskets and floral arrangements, and even renamed one of his children 'Q'.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=620060110
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Bradgelina To Produce Spawn In 2006

2006-01-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Tinsel town was abuzz this week with news that Angelina Jolie got some guy - Brad Pitt no less - to actually inseminate her.

A spokesperson for Pitt said it came down to convenience. "For Brad it was like, do they fly to Africa to adopt yet another kid, or hump on the couch? Brad likes the humping, Brad likes the couch."

Caption: Angelina Jolie demonstrates the move she put on Brad Pitt to convince him to hop into the sack with her.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=620060109
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President Bush Has Difficulty Tying Knot

2006-01-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

Reminds Press Corps He Was In The Air National Guard, Not The Boy Scouts

WASHINGTON (CAP) -- Calling him "chef of some of the best darn burgers I ever had," President Bush bestowed the Presidential Medal of Freedom on Ronald McDonald in a White House ceremony held last week.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=720060101
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Alito To Senators: "I'm Just Gonna STFU."

2006-01-22T09:55:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The following are some of the recent highlights from Judge Samuel Alito's Supreme Court nomination hearing:

-Affirming that he "absolutely" believes that the right to privacy exists in the Constitution, Alito refused to answer any more questions.

-Ted Kennedy and Chair Allen Specter exchanged heated words on Tuesday. This escalated into a fistfight, and before aides could break it up, Kennedy had eaten Specter. Congressional historians believe it is only the third time one senator has actually eaten another.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=720060108
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Bush Takes Responsibility

2006-01-22T09:51:00.000-05:00

BUFFALO, NY (CAP) - Local officials were stymied: who peed "More Bere" [sic] into a snow bank shortly after President Bush addressed a crowd of loyal conservatives at the Buffalo National Guard Armory? The answer, it appears, goes right to the top.

"Yeah, I did it," Bush said at a press conference today. "Sure, people will blame it on faulty intelligence or poor mannerisms, but I just had to go."

Caption: An artist's rendering of the incident ... Original photos were confiscated by Secret Service

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=720060106
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First Lady Patronizes Illiterates

2006-01-22T09:47:00.000-05:00

SCRANTON, PA (CAP) - Sporting a stunning gray Versace suit combo and surrounded by men wearing guns, Laura Bush on Tuesday launched her "Help An Illiterate Find A Book!" initiative before a packed Scranton Public Library gathering.

It's the First Lady's first public initiative since her 2002 "My Pet Goat: So Good You Can't Put It Down!" campaign.

Caption: An illiterate named Juanita looks at all the big words in "Global Woman: Nannies, Maids and Sex Workers in the New Economy."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=120060103
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California Botches Execution Record

2006-01-22T09:38:00.000-05:00

SAN QUENTIN, Ca. (CAP) - When California executed 76-year-old Clarence Ray Allen, they proudly laid claim to having executed the oldest person since capitol punishment resumed in 1976. Not so fast, says Mississippi.

"When we put John B. Nixon to death last month, he was 77," said Mississippi Corrections Department spokesman Morris Cleland. "The record is firmly ours according to a fax I received this morning from the Guinness Record folks. California, y’all should have done your homework a little more carefully."

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=120060113
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Survivor In Da Hood

2006-01-20T12:17:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - TV series usually have a short shelf life, becoming stale after a very few seasons. This is particularly true of reality programming, which tends to rely on a single unique 'hook' that can quickly play out.
The Survivor franchise has largely managed to buck this trend by moving their entire operation to a different exotic locale every season: be it Borneo, the Amazon, Africa or Thailand. The upcoming installment, "Survivor: Newark", is no different.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=620060107
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God Starts Randomly Smacking Pat Robertson

2006-01-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

The past few months have not been kind to televangelist Pat Robertson. First he suggested that God smoke some Supreme Court justices. Then he called for the death of Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez. His latest gaff was in saying that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke was God smiting him for his policies regarding Palestine.

Apparently God has had quite the fuck enough.

“It’s weird… he just be sitting there and all of a sudden he’s smacked out of his chair,” said longtime 700 Club employee Angelique Moses. “I don’t know if it’s God or Jesus or the Devil himself, but whoever it is got a hell of a right hook on him.”

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=120060112
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Intelligent Design Undergoes Redesign

2006-01-20T12:10:00.000-05:00

BRANSON, Mo. (CAP) - Smarting from recent setbacks to get alternatives to evolution taught in high school classrooms, proponents of Intelligent Design - the creationist theory that holds that God is responsible for our being - are rolling out a brand new theory: Retarded Design.

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=420060101
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Dave Chappell To Lead Israel

2006-01-20T12:05:00.000-05:00

Jerusalem (CAP) – Israeli lawmakers today shocked the world by naming comedian Dave Chappell to the post of interim Prime Minister. The move comes after a pair of stokes effectively ended current Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s political career.

Menachem Gissin, a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s office, said Chappell was the unanimous choice of lawmakers after he publicly admitted that he was interested in the position.

“Mr. Chappell is one funny guy,” Gissin told CAP. “But it’s a biting funny, the kind of funny that says ‘Hey Palestine, don’t screw with us.’ Plus, he was available.”

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=220060103
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Gore Announces Plan To Combat Illegal Wiretapping

2006-01-18T08:37:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Just days after his speech at the Liberty Coalition in which he slammed President Bush’s "excessive power grab" and called into question the legality of NSA wiretaps, Al Gore has come up with a solution.

"I invented the Cone of Silence," Gore admitted at a hastily-called news conference...

-To see the full article, check out: http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=720060109
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